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09 January 2013

When I win the lottery, the first thing I am doing is hiring a private driver.

I am not even kidding.

no matter how you dress it up,
 this is still liver
I absolutely ABHOR driving. Like, if there was a choice between eating a large piece of liver (NOT covered in onions), and driving down the highway for 15 minutes, I would choose the liver without a moments hesitation.

I would even lick the plate. And liver is pretty fucking disgusting.

I have this god-awful fear of dying. As in, I break out in a sweat at random moments throughout the day thinking of any kind of possibility that it may be my last few moments on earth.

Not healthy. I get it. 

And driving is no exception. I have to do it every day. And I freak out every day. And with the hubby still in the rehabilitation centre from his stroke, I do long distances more than I would ever consider a decent amount of driving for a long-haul truck driver. Some days, I feel like I spend most of my time behind the steering wheel.

What I look like driving.
So pretty, no? (not really me)
Lately, it's gotten worse. Mostly because I have to drive to and from the centre, but also because there are some crazy mother fuckers out there that have absolutely no consideration for other people on the road.

Case in point: Just yesterday I was hit and ran. TWICE. And in the midst of my complete meltdown because of it, I took my eyes off the road for a split second to merge into an HOV lane, and almost killed myself and my children in doing so.

Apparently drivers like to slam on their brakes in traffic. The only reason we didn't die is because, as luck would have it, no one was in the lane to the right of me when I twisted the wheel to avoid the collision. Had there of been, I would have nailed them going at least 60 clicks.

Driving causes me to break out in road rage. And tears.

So, when I win that huge 50 million Lotto Max, I will be accepting resumes from professional drivers. A masters degree in stunt driving will be necessary of course. But only because you have to be skilled like a mo-fo to avoid the crazy mother fuckers that all seem to live by me.


StephanieC said...

I feel your pain. BC drivers are fucking LUNATICS. Oblivious lunatics.

Driving here, at night, in the rain, in the construction is a death wish. AND, they only have the "get out of this lane" lit up sign AFTER they have already construction coned it off.

Back in Ontario, they put the sign as a notice on the shoulder, then used highly reflective cones to slowly shrink the lane.

Here it's barely visible cones and a sign after the lane is shut. Yeah, thanks for that warning, I almost hit the motherfucking sign.


So yeah, I feel your pain. Glad that you and your kids are ok. At least that is the most important thing. The paint and damage can be repaired, you know?

Sarah said...

Glad you're all ok Carmen. The prefering to eat liver puts it completely into perspective for me - I would seriously consider most things over eating liver!

Carmen said...

@Stephanie - I think every person in BC should be required to pass their driving test amidst rain and construction. BAM, problem solved.

@Sarah - Totes. Liver makes me vomit.

Marianna Annadanna said...

Drivers are assholes and you are awesome and nothing is your fault ever.

Except that I think pedestrians have that same fear of death. At least when they see *you* coming.

Carmen said...

The only thing I took from that was "nothing is your fault ever"

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